Seacrest.... Out! (and yet, ironically, not)

Dear Ryan Seacrest,

Please stop trying to be something you are not. Drop the “wassup?” Cut out the "my brother." Don’t you know that you are more Jay Leno than Jay-Z? (and, really? “Wassup?” The bloom was off that rose once those Budweiser ads hit. Like four or five years ago.)

And don’t think I didn’t cringe when you tried “brotha” again last night. Trust me when I tell you that you can’t pull it off. You are no Desmond Hume. Not even close.

Love,
Weaselsnot

p.s. I haven’t forgotten that you are responsible for unleashing those Kardashians upon the world. Thanks for nothing.