Sunday, March 28, 2010

Brace Yourself

What if I told you there was a product that could make you look and feel like a tweenager while also helping you lose weight? You’d want in, right?

Not so fast, my friend.

My miracle is also my mortification: Braces. Orthodontia. Tinsel teeth.

As part of a larger plan to try and embrace the inexorable approach of a four in my tens column, I am fixing some crowding in my mouth that has gotten worse over time. So far, it has not been fun. There’s the physical pain of the braces themselves— the pressure in my jaw, the raw skin inside my lip— and then there’s the mental toll.

First of all, it’s kind of embarrassing to be the only adult unaccompanied by a child in the orthodontist’s waiting room-- my minority status (further) driven home by the fact that the TVs suspended from the ceiling to distract me from all the tools and fingers in my mouth were tuned to Phineas and Ferb.

And I had to have a tooth removed, which has resulted in a hillbilly look that drove one friend to coin the (loving, I’m sure) nickname Mountain Dew. Flossing has become a Herculean task involving special floss and a fair amount of time. But that’s okay-- I can’t really eat anything because it feels weird and I don’t want stuff to get caught in my Jan Brady grill.

Which brings me back to where I started. I look like a misplaced middle-school student and I’m dropping weight like crazy. You in?

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